Time

Time.  There are not many words that can be a sentence, fewer that can be a paragraph, and so very few that just in saying them you can convey an entire novel. Love is one. How many dreams have been made and unmade around that one word? Truth is another. Truth though is often convoluted, more like a music video than a novel.  But time is the one that twists and turns and stretches out and flies forward.

Time was when I held him in my arms. His tiny body twisted in rage and fear. He was terrified in the night. The dreams woke him up and he didn’t know where he was or who he was. I’m not even sure he was awake sometimes. I held him and rocked and prayed because I’m not that nice a person in the middle of the night.

Time was when the nightmares stopped and he became normal. He learned to depend on us to help him when he needed it. He learned that everything wasn’t an emergency. He learned that the world was safe and that cameras were for smiling at.

Time was when the realization came that for him to have a normal life; we had to let him go. We had to let him go. If we didn’t he would always be caught somewhere in between our world and that other nightmare world. I knew a bit of what Moses’ mother must have felt putting that basket with her precious baby in the river. Only, I was handing him off to the government and trusting that God would take care of him.

Time was when only the wind and the roar of the bike could cover the screams from my heart. Time was when God reminded me that He was in control and that I had obeyed and that the baby was safe. Time was when the hurt started to heal and scabs began to fall off revealing new skin-only slightly scarred. Time was when the phone rang and lawyer said “He needs you again”. Time was when I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that my faith was strong enough to help.

Time was when in my morning Bible I read “And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord” (Luke 1:45) Time was when I watched The Passion and wondered how Mary could have believed that what was spoken would happen. How could she when the angel had said he would reign forever and he was lying dead in her lap? Somehow, I know without understanding that whatever the outcome of this trial is, it will be ok.

I so want him to go to his new family. I want him to be happy and well and loved. I want his mom to love him even more than I do. I want him to forget this part of his life. I would love to watch him grow up. I would love to go to his birthday parties and get Christmas cards. I would give up any chance of ever seeing him again to know that he is safe and loved.

Time is when I will pray. I will pray and trust that my God’s plan will be fulfilled on earth as it is in heaven and that this little one will have the best possible life. Time is now.