Peace in the Storm

My little dude is being challenged.  All around him flies a whirlwind of talk, of whispers, of plans, and of prayers. I would say that everyone is anxious but that really isn’t the case.  I’m impatient. I want the days to fly by and the answer to be apparent. It would be wonderful if I could know what the outcome was…today! Now!  I cannot know the outcome now. It isn’t mine to know.  The others in the house are wondering too.  How can we plan our time if we don’t know where he will be? Late in the night, the tears come, only late at night though and only after the hours of silent prayer begging that God’s will be done.  It has to be God’s will because I can’t see any answer that is clean, easy, and right.

But the point was my little dude is being challenged and he has no idea.  He knows that if he is hungry, he can come over to me with his arms raised and I will feed him.  He knows that if he is mad, he can scream and I will wait until he is over it then we will move on. He knows that even in the middle of the night, he can call out to me and I will come running.  He is secure and safe in his world.

Jesus said that we are to come to Him like a child.  We are to rest in the knowledge that He is the giver of all good things and that He wants to give us good things.  This child in my house has no doubt that he will be taken care of. He starts to climb down stairs but checks to make sure one of us is close before he takes the first step. If he sees us, he knows he will be safe going down the step.

I think of David as a boy getting ready to fight Goliath. His youth may have shielded him from the knowledge of all the implications of the battle he was fighting.  Did he have to calm himself at least a little before he stepped out onto the field? When he was being dressed in Saul’s armor did he think, if they are all fussing this much there must be a reason?  Did he then talk to his friend, God, our  God?

The legal system is my giant. This morning I could almost feel its nasty breath on my shoulder as it loomed on the other end of 3211, my road that connects me to the city. I have seen the court destroy more often than I have seen it build. I have felt defeat and known first hand the sting of injustice this beast can deliver. As I turned onto 3211 and drove nearer and nearer to my battle ground I thought of all those who had prayed for us. I saw the road lined with saints and angels.  The entire road lined on both sides. If I could draw it would be a magnificent piece. Angels dressed for battle with swords at hand standing guard over saints praying on knees and face down.  Armies of believers stretched out over the new green grass- some with Bibles and some with weapons-all ready to go to battle. The vision is almost terrifying in its scope-weapons, angels, sheer numbers but instead of terror the most wonderful sense of calm. How could I fear the giant knowing so many are with me? How could I keep from telling all the believers that our God is awesome and the saints are praying?  This mighty army speaking to their friend, God, our God on behalf of children, missionaries, spouses, leaders, preachers, friends, and the people of the Amazon. The moment of fear disappears. The nasty breath of the giant that once made my blood freeze is gone and the perfume of heaven surrounds me.

The battle for my little one has been delayed. We won the first victory-the victory of time.  God will grow patience in me as the days move forward but I will rest in the knowledge that the creator of the Universe loves me and my little one and that an amazing army of believers stands with us.

Silence

The line of students and teachers stretched the length of the campus.  Side by side, an arm's width apart they stood. At first, they talked. They were cold. The wind was messing up their hair. The flags were fun to watch playing in the wind.  Then the teachers started to explain. It didn't take many words.
This man served our country. It was very uncomfortable where he was. His wife and family won't ever get to talk to him again.
Those were the only words it took. The students started to talk about war. They tried to figure out what it meant. The teachers tried to figure it out too.
Cars flew by. Some would slow down to see the kids. The boys started talking about the motorcycles. "You'll hear the motorcycles, then he'll come".  Finally, we heard the motorcycles.
The helicopter cut through the air with loud chops that caused a silence to fall on the crowd. The police cars turned the corner and the students put their hands over their hearts.  As each police car passed, the students grew more somber. The quiet wrapped around each child, each teacher, each person. Then the motorcycles. I stood on the side mixed in with the students.
Then the family. Then the...then the rest. I prayed as we stood there. I prayed for each of the participants in the procession. I prayed for each of us on the side of the road. I prayed for every soldier.
One song dominates my silent prayers. How Great Thou Art plays through almost every silent conversation with my Lord.
The children saying "When you hear the motorcycles, he's coming" echos within me.  When you hear the trumpets, he's coming. How long now until He comes? He who has conquer death is coming to rescue His children. He is coming to take us to heaven where God himself will wipe away our tears.
Do you know Him? When the trumpets sound, will you know what it means? We don't know the day or the time. I beg with one breath "take us home". With the next, I beg "don't let any perish". In His infinite wisdom, He will accomplish His plan. I will wait. Wait and remember, He is coming.

The Rock Star vs the Mom

My mind is a flurry today. Ok not just today, all week. To make it more interesting, I'm stuck at home with a sick baby. 
One of my favorite flurries today is to think about how God has worked things so that I have this particular baby at this particular time. There is no way I could have successfully helped this baby a few years ago.  My temper was too quick. My impatience was even more pronounced than it is now. I still feel like I'm on speed in a world that's chosen valium as its drug of choice. But now I know that its ok. It is ok that my mind flies off leaving me staring off into a vacuum as long as I can keep my mouth quiet.  Our family would not have been able to offer this baby his sanctuary a few years ago. Now the biggest question is how long will we be his sanctuary. How many more days until he is gone? How will he reintegrate into the other family unit? Will they be able to care for him like we do? And then I hear, God took care of him before you got him. God will take care of him all his life. I give that burden back to God and go on to think about my inner rock star.
3211 was a really long road yesterday. Everyone in the car was tired and stressed.  All the familiar twists and turns seemed to tease me with threats of hay bales or cops while my ever wandering mind lingered on thoughts of "the rock star". Somewhere beneath this veneer of quiet mom lies a rock star. She is the woman who commands the attention of everyone when she walks in the room.  She is dressed in the most shocking fashions. She says the most shocking things. She doesn't care what anyone says about her because she is "all that".
For a long time I denied her. I thought she was obnoxious and vain.  I denied her and squished her into a little ball.  She isn't all bad though. She is the essence of self confidence even if that self confidence is really God confidence. True Jesus girls don't measure themselves the way the world measures women.  Their words are shocking because the truth is shocking. The only person they are trying to impress is Jesus because he is "all that". So I will welcome back the rock star.

Layers

When you first meet someone, you see all the wonderful things about them.  Thinking back to those first encounters is amusing.  Heart racing afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Working so hard to know everything you can about them.
One of the exciting things about affairs is that they allow you to go back to that idealized time.  You can focus solely on a "perfect" person who will love you in all the ways your spouse can't.  That's what the therapists say anyway.
Over time, the reality of the person you were so enthralled with begins to show.  Layers start to flake off. The carefully ignored bad habits become too big to ignore. Of course, losing layers isn't all bad. Underneath all the layers of pretense, there is raw, true beauty. This is the beauty that lasts beyond infatuation. Most of the time the layers that hide this beauty doesn't even start to flake away until infatuation is long gone.  This is the good beauty, the beauty that lasts.
I remember the day in the little church not far from my current home. It was years ago now. I was in third grade.  Mom and dad and my brothers were all in the pew. The missionary from somewhere in South America was wrapping up his sermon.  The pianist starting playing "Just As I Am" and my heart twisted violently another direction.  All around me the sparks were flying. Rapture unknown prior to this moment washed over me and I knew beyond any shadow of any bit of doubt that Jesus wanted me and I wanted him.  It was all I could do to walk up the aisle. I wanted to run. I wanted shout. I wanted the world to know my Jesus.
Infatuation.  I told my best friend all about Jesus. Day in and day out I told her about Jesus. I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop. I went to GAs and Sunday school and I learned everything I could. I begged the Lord to let me be a missionary.
Funny how God works. I'm still begging the Lord to let me be a missionary.
We've talked many times that I will be a much better missionary if I can sleep in the same bed with my husband and have access to really hot showers.
Whenever I eat baklava, I think about the layers. Individually the layers are yummy. Taken as a whole bite the intricate mix of honey and nuts and dough dance over my tongue and through my mouth. This is joy. The experience of all the layers mixed together, individual and intertwined, is almost an apt description of the mystery of God.