My hands reach out in expectation as ancient as that of a baby’s reach for its sustenance. My bones ache for the Father God who will supply all I need. He will give life and breath and satisfaction. I know this and in my inner being I reach out as if a tiny baby sobbing for care.
My hands reach out holding the sword, its blade up then lain down at His feet. The weariness that has surrounded me for days begins to fall away at this sign of surrender. My sword is given up entirely for His use. He will supply all I need for this battle, direction, command, and strength, all are His and are given according to His ration. I know this and in my inner being I reach out as if a mighty warrior pledging allegiance to his king.
This great God of ours, He supplies all our needs. I look amazed at the blessings He shares with us. Blessings not even asked for that He showers on us with delight. This time of bright sunny days and gentle warmth accented beautifully with flowers and ringing with laughter. The feeling that His love, and not just the wind, wraps itself around us as we fly through the country. Comfort in a clean bed, warm shower, and good food provided in a climate controlled building. Discernment when options that are not the best present themselves to us.
Sometimes grief comes and threatens to settle itself on our shoulders, forcing us to wear it like an itchy sweater. Grief comes and our Father seems far away. How funny we are. How inconstant. We toss about worrying when our relief is beside us. We have the source of all power, all life, hidden in our heart. No weapon formed against us-no curse, no plot, no hate-will win. Our lives are not our own. Our lives belong to the one who created everything. In His time, He will rescue us. He will save us from the fire or He will take us home. We are not meant to understand. We are meant only to trust.
We look at now and think it is eternity. It is not. Now is only now. In a moment, it will pass away. Give thanks for the blessings of this moment.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
The Intersection of Blue Skies and Concrete
All day time is folding on itself. Challenges from years before come back to the front of my mind like the snake wrapped loosely around, head over tail. The favorite picture playing behind my eyes is that of me, about seven years old, riding in the back of pa’s truck. Standing, hands on the roof, hair blowing hopelessly tangled behind me, little brother with his glowing white hair and cut off shorts, laughing beside me. The country road, oak leaves covered in road dust, winding on into the soon to hot summer day. Time folding in on itself like the snake wrapped loosely around, head over tail.
Here now in this time, sunshine warm on my shoulders, wind rushing over and around my hair, blocked by the helmet, accented by the bugs smacking into my legs and arms and sometimes even my face. Companion now is Michael. My arms wrapped around him, head on his shoulder, smell of warm leather. Time folds in on itself like a wave disappearing right before hitting the shore.
I’m holding my new born baby girl and she looks at me with those eyes. I can still see them, eyes so ancient and so brand new, like she had just stepped out of eternity and into my now and my now is cold. My now is cold and empty and full of promise that I cannot see but in that moment I know there is a God and that He has allowed me to participate in His miracles.
The snake unfolds itself in a swift movement, a slither, a slide. It unfolds itself and I can see the blue sky. I can see the miracle blue sky. After days of magnificent clouds dancing their threats of storm, I see nothing but blue. A cement truck drives into my field of vision and I’m back in my grandpa’s truck, hair flying hopelessly tangled. My brother is laughing. The smell of hay and cigarette smoke surrounds us. It is a perfect summer day. The days those summers were full of miracle blue skies and concrete-days of potential. These days are full of miracle blue skies and concrete- the smell of asphalt beginning to melt. There is so much potential here.
Here now in this time, sunshine warm on my shoulders, wind rushing over and around my hair, blocked by the helmet, accented by the bugs smacking into my legs and arms and sometimes even my face. Companion now is Michael. My arms wrapped around him, head on his shoulder, smell of warm leather. Time folds in on itself like a wave disappearing right before hitting the shore.
I’m holding my new born baby girl and she looks at me with those eyes. I can still see them, eyes so ancient and so brand new, like she had just stepped out of eternity and into my now and my now is cold. My now is cold and empty and full of promise that I cannot see but in that moment I know there is a God and that He has allowed me to participate in His miracles.
The snake unfolds itself in a swift movement, a slither, a slide. It unfolds itself and I can see the blue sky. I can see the miracle blue sky. After days of magnificent clouds dancing their threats of storm, I see nothing but blue. A cement truck drives into my field of vision and I’m back in my grandpa’s truck, hair flying hopelessly tangled. My brother is laughing. The smell of hay and cigarette smoke surrounds us. It is a perfect summer day. The days those summers were full of miracle blue skies and concrete-days of potential. These days are full of miracle blue skies and concrete- the smell of asphalt beginning to melt. There is so much potential here.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Warrior
I am a warrior. There are days when the sword I carry is too heavy to lift. There are days when my feet scream with each forced step. Those days cause me to doubt whether or not I am fit for battle. Only the strongest should fight. Only those who are talented in strategy should lead. Only those who can overcome the constant fatigue are worthy. How much easier would it be to lay down my weapon? Could I leave it, walk away, and just live?
I feel the whisper of that voice on the back of neck. That voice that says I am not strong enough to fight. The voice that says my weaknesses will destroy not only my own chances for victory but will bring down the entire army. The warm hiss on that weak spot threatens to melt my resolve.
And then, I remember. I am a daughter of the most high God. My armor is not the stuff of this world. My strength does not come from my efforts. In that moment, the whisperer is revealed and revoked.
I am a warrior. The days when I cannot lift my sword are the days of my Father’s greatest glory. I can do nothing on my own. I am weak. I am flawed. But, I am not my own. I am my Father’s, bought with an unbearable price. The greatest secret though is that my King has already won.
I am a warrior. If I win this battle today, I will get to take up my cause again tomorrow. If I lose today, the one who destroys has not won. The destroyer can only take this body. When it is gone, then I run into the arms of my Jesus. When it is gone I am free!
This journey is full of pain and weary days. This battle rings with laughter from the joy that propels my feet even when I am exhausted. I am a warrior. My King has already won the war.
I feel the whisper of that voice on the back of neck. That voice that says I am not strong enough to fight. The voice that says my weaknesses will destroy not only my own chances for victory but will bring down the entire army. The warm hiss on that weak spot threatens to melt my resolve.
And then, I remember. I am a daughter of the most high God. My armor is not the stuff of this world. My strength does not come from my efforts. In that moment, the whisperer is revealed and revoked.
I am a warrior. The days when I cannot lift my sword are the days of my Father’s greatest glory. I can do nothing on my own. I am weak. I am flawed. But, I am not my own. I am my Father’s, bought with an unbearable price. The greatest secret though is that my King has already won.
I am a warrior. If I win this battle today, I will get to take up my cause again tomorrow. If I lose today, the one who destroys has not won. The destroyer can only take this body. When it is gone, then I run into the arms of my Jesus. When it is gone I am free!
This journey is full of pain and weary days. This battle rings with laughter from the joy that propels my feet even when I am exhausted. I am a warrior. My King has already won the war.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Chocolate and God
I love the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. If you haven’t read it or seen the movie, I strongly suggest that you do so immediately. It is a wonderful story. (The new movie is a little scarier than the original story but it is still good.)
I could write a whole blog series about the characters and how they relate to Biblical principles. I would start with Mike Teevee.
Mike Teevee is obsessed with television. He spends all day every day in front of the tv. In the movie version of the story we see Mike as a 12 year old boy with a terrible attitude. Every time Willy Wonka, the master chocolatier, describes an invention, Mike tells him why it can’t happen.
We all face that kind of negativity. Did you know we were made to be creative? We were made in the image of God and our Father is a creative God. All forms of beauty were designed by His hand. Before Him there was no form, no color, no light. He created everything. Like Him we have a motivation to create. An inner drive that compels us to try new combinations of words, colors, sounds, shapes. Those who, like Mike Teevee, squash our creativity are mean and wrong. When we, by accident or by malice, squash someone else’s creativity, we are mean.
Invention requires change. Change is scary. There was a time when I felt that I had to control everything. During that time, I could not tolerate even the thought of change. I remember being furious because the dishes were washed in the wrong order. I remember my mom being furious because the towels were folded wrong. I see examples of this all over. When we are trying to control the world, we get angry when something is different. The key is though that there is nothing within our control.
We are not in charge. God is in charge. This simple concept allows us to let go of our need for control. “Who among you by worrying can add a day to his life?” I can’t. I can’t even add a hair to my head. I can only trust that my God, who loves me enough to send His son to die and be reborn so that I can have a relationship with Him, loves me enough to take care of me. If I believe that and trust in Him, then I can be creative. I can take chances. I can reach out. I can have life and have it more abundantly. I no longer have to say “that won’t work” or “it doesn’t go that way”. I can relax and see what happens.
Innovation is a beautiful thing. Every time Mike Teevee told Mr. Wonka why something wouldn’t work, Mr. Wonka would get this strange look on his face. Then, he would look at Mike and say “You really must stop mumbling. I can’t understand you”. When you are faced with people telling you why you can’t do this or can’t do that, feel free to disregard their negativity. Listen only to see if there is some truth in what they say. If so, adapt. If not, disregard. After all, without innovation, we wouldn’t have chocolate.
I could write a whole blog series about the characters and how they relate to Biblical principles. I would start with Mike Teevee.
Mike Teevee is obsessed with television. He spends all day every day in front of the tv. In the movie version of the story we see Mike as a 12 year old boy with a terrible attitude. Every time Willy Wonka, the master chocolatier, describes an invention, Mike tells him why it can’t happen.
We all face that kind of negativity. Did you know we were made to be creative? We were made in the image of God and our Father is a creative God. All forms of beauty were designed by His hand. Before Him there was no form, no color, no light. He created everything. Like Him we have a motivation to create. An inner drive that compels us to try new combinations of words, colors, sounds, shapes. Those who, like Mike Teevee, squash our creativity are mean and wrong. When we, by accident or by malice, squash someone else’s creativity, we are mean.
Invention requires change. Change is scary. There was a time when I felt that I had to control everything. During that time, I could not tolerate even the thought of change. I remember being furious because the dishes were washed in the wrong order. I remember my mom being furious because the towels were folded wrong. I see examples of this all over. When we are trying to control the world, we get angry when something is different. The key is though that there is nothing within our control.
We are not in charge. God is in charge. This simple concept allows us to let go of our need for control. “Who among you by worrying can add a day to his life?” I can’t. I can’t even add a hair to my head. I can only trust that my God, who loves me enough to send His son to die and be reborn so that I can have a relationship with Him, loves me enough to take care of me. If I believe that and trust in Him, then I can be creative. I can take chances. I can reach out. I can have life and have it more abundantly. I no longer have to say “that won’t work” or “it doesn’t go that way”. I can relax and see what happens.
Innovation is a beautiful thing. Every time Mike Teevee told Mr. Wonka why something wouldn’t work, Mr. Wonka would get this strange look on his face. Then, he would look at Mike and say “You really must stop mumbling. I can’t understand you”. When you are faced with people telling you why you can’t do this or can’t do that, feel free to disregard their negativity. Listen only to see if there is some truth in what they say. If so, adapt. If not, disregard. After all, without innovation, we wouldn’t have chocolate.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Letter to a Friend
You asked a question the other day. I’m sorry it has taken so long to respond. The question wasn’t an easy one. The question cut through to the very core of belief. There is no good answer to it that will make the experience easier.
The answer of course is Jesus. I would love to tell you that all you have to do is believe in Him and all your troubles will go away. They won’t. As your faith grows though, you begin to see that some of the troubles aren’t that big after all. Those troubles fall by the side. In times of stress, you pick them back up and carry them awhile. Eventually, you begin to learn that you don’t have to do that and you are able to leave those on the road.
There are other troubles though. These troubles torment you. Last night, I would have given anything to be able to step out of this body. It doesn’t work. It hurts. One day it lets me do everything. The next day even unloading the dryer is a herculean task. Jesus and I, we had a talk about that. I cried and tried to stomp my feet and told Him it’s not fair. As He wrapped His arms around me, I caught a glimpse of His hands. I cried out “I’m sorry Lord. I forgot.” He said “I know.”
See, He has counted all the hairs on our head. Even before we were born, He knew what our days would be. He knew our successes and our failures. He knew when we would give up. He knew when we would hold tight to His hand. I don’t know how time and God work. I do know that even though He knows everything about us, He loves us so much that He died for us. He loved us so much that He conquered death and was resurrected just so we could have a relationship with Him. He sent us the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort us.
The spot you are in right now is rough. I’ve been there. The only advice I have is hold on. The beautiful thing about life is that it moves on. For everyday I’m throwing a hissy fit because I can’t do what I want to do, there is a day (or two) when everything comes easy. Hold onto the easy days. Enjoy them. Treasure them in your heart so that when the trials come you can remember the good.
Trust in the Lord your God. He created you and the rest of this mess. He loves you. He created all of this just so that He could have a relationship with you. Whatever happens remember that His plans for you are good.
Oh, and reach out to your family. Each of us loves you too. Many of us have walked your path. Others of us are walking your path with you. Together we are stronger.
When this life is over, we get to go home. Our bodies will be perfect then. Our minds will be perfect then. Our rest and joy will be complete for all of eternity. Our Jesus will take us in His arms and all this will fade away.
I love you.
The answer of course is Jesus. I would love to tell you that all you have to do is believe in Him and all your troubles will go away. They won’t. As your faith grows though, you begin to see that some of the troubles aren’t that big after all. Those troubles fall by the side. In times of stress, you pick them back up and carry them awhile. Eventually, you begin to learn that you don’t have to do that and you are able to leave those on the road.
There are other troubles though. These troubles torment you. Last night, I would have given anything to be able to step out of this body. It doesn’t work. It hurts. One day it lets me do everything. The next day even unloading the dryer is a herculean task. Jesus and I, we had a talk about that. I cried and tried to stomp my feet and told Him it’s not fair. As He wrapped His arms around me, I caught a glimpse of His hands. I cried out “I’m sorry Lord. I forgot.” He said “I know.”
See, He has counted all the hairs on our head. Even before we were born, He knew what our days would be. He knew our successes and our failures. He knew when we would give up. He knew when we would hold tight to His hand. I don’t know how time and God work. I do know that even though He knows everything about us, He loves us so much that He died for us. He loved us so much that He conquered death and was resurrected just so we could have a relationship with Him. He sent us the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort us.
The spot you are in right now is rough. I’ve been there. The only advice I have is hold on. The beautiful thing about life is that it moves on. For everyday I’m throwing a hissy fit because I can’t do what I want to do, there is a day (or two) when everything comes easy. Hold onto the easy days. Enjoy them. Treasure them in your heart so that when the trials come you can remember the good.
Trust in the Lord your God. He created you and the rest of this mess. He loves you. He created all of this just so that He could have a relationship with you. Whatever happens remember that His plans for you are good.
Oh, and reach out to your family. Each of us loves you too. Many of us have walked your path. Others of us are walking your path with you. Together we are stronger.
When this life is over, we get to go home. Our bodies will be perfect then. Our minds will be perfect then. Our rest and joy will be complete for all of eternity. Our Jesus will take us in His arms and all this will fade away.
I love you.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Notes in case I get to go Home on the way home
I’m headed home today and I am so thankful. The last two weeks have been interesting but I miss my home and my family. I miss my routines even though they change each day. I miss my coffee talk. I miss the giggling of my girls. I miss the embrace of my husband.
Some of you out there have done this a million times. I’m going to write this and you’re going to sort of chuckle under your breath. You’re going to think I’m so far behind the learning curve. I’m almost afraid to write it.
I feel like I’ve been on a long mission trip. Until now I had never gone on a mission trip. God seems to be providing me opportunities to try out my faith in all sorts of new and inspiring ways.
This trip was to the nation’s capital. There is a strange sort of liberalism that flows through the streets here. All those concepts of nonsexist language, inclusion, and non-offensive world views are accepted as the norm. My evangelical world views are seen as extreme.
It has been interesting. I’m ready to go home though. I’m ready to quit being the most extreme person in the group.
It gets old to be in the mission field. It gets old to go out day after day aware that people are looking at you and deciding if they want what you have or if they would rather have what the younger, prettier girl beside you has to offer. Every day though, you keep going out. You go out that door and you smile. You engage them in conversation. They tell you the strangest things and you find yourself loving them. Suddenly, these strangers open up to you. The best thing happens after that. They decide they want some of what you have. You get to share!
Even though you go back to your room alone, you have this little glimmer of joy. The sweetest feeling wraps around you and you realize that the only choice you have is to continue. Every day has its own struggles. Every day has its own joy. It doesn’t matter how far you go from your “home”, your real home is wherever the Lord sends you.
I’ve got a few take aways from this experience. I just want to share them in case I go home:
1. As Christians we are blessed that we do not have to eat dessert first. One of my table mates here always ate his dessert first. He wanted to make sure he got the best thing in case he died and couldn’t enjoy it. Wow, think how lucky we are. It doesn’t matter if we get that treat here on earth or not. When we go home, we will have the most amazing experience-way better than hotel cheesecake!
2. Of all the miracles that have ever been performed, I think the most amazing one is the change in my “inner dialogue”. I was walking down the busy street in this strange city missing my family when I started listening to what I was thinking. I was thanking God for holding back the rain and telling him how confused I was about all these folks staring at me. Then I realized I had been smiling. The people were staring because I was one of the only people walking down the street smiling. (Anyway, I think that’s why they were staring. I checked my zipper. It was closed) The point is, I can remember when that inner dialogue would have been full of fear and anger and doubt instead of praise and smiles.
It has been a good trip.
Some of you out there have done this a million times. I’m going to write this and you’re going to sort of chuckle under your breath. You’re going to think I’m so far behind the learning curve. I’m almost afraid to write it.
I feel like I’ve been on a long mission trip. Until now I had never gone on a mission trip. God seems to be providing me opportunities to try out my faith in all sorts of new and inspiring ways.
This trip was to the nation’s capital. There is a strange sort of liberalism that flows through the streets here. All those concepts of nonsexist language, inclusion, and non-offensive world views are accepted as the norm. My evangelical world views are seen as extreme.
It has been interesting. I’m ready to go home though. I’m ready to quit being the most extreme person in the group.
It gets old to be in the mission field. It gets old to go out day after day aware that people are looking at you and deciding if they want what you have or if they would rather have what the younger, prettier girl beside you has to offer. Every day though, you keep going out. You go out that door and you smile. You engage them in conversation. They tell you the strangest things and you find yourself loving them. Suddenly, these strangers open up to you. The best thing happens after that. They decide they want some of what you have. You get to share!
Even though you go back to your room alone, you have this little glimmer of joy. The sweetest feeling wraps around you and you realize that the only choice you have is to continue. Every day has its own struggles. Every day has its own joy. It doesn’t matter how far you go from your “home”, your real home is wherever the Lord sends you.
I’ve got a few take aways from this experience. I just want to share them in case I go home:
1. As Christians we are blessed that we do not have to eat dessert first. One of my table mates here always ate his dessert first. He wanted to make sure he got the best thing in case he died and couldn’t enjoy it. Wow, think how lucky we are. It doesn’t matter if we get that treat here on earth or not. When we go home, we will have the most amazing experience-way better than hotel cheesecake!
2. Of all the miracles that have ever been performed, I think the most amazing one is the change in my “inner dialogue”. I was walking down the busy street in this strange city missing my family when I started listening to what I was thinking. I was thanking God for holding back the rain and telling him how confused I was about all these folks staring at me. Then I realized I had been smiling. The people were staring because I was one of the only people walking down the street smiling. (Anyway, I think that’s why they were staring. I checked my zipper. It was closed) The point is, I can remember when that inner dialogue would have been full of fear and anger and doubt instead of praise and smiles.
It has been a good trip.
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