Quiet now. See I started talking about 3211. I had put off talking about 3211 for many months now. I really don't want to go so public with so many details. Those quiet little details that determine the direction of the rest of your life are frequently not easy to share. But as I sit in the quiet house that familiar little tug says "its time". Time to tell more of the story of 3211.
Illness eats away at more than one's physical self. Constant battles to breath, or take care of your children, or to help eat away at your emotional self. Then the medicines change the way your think and feel. Soon, the days and nights become so challenging that without reliance on God there is no hope. Faith seems impossible sometimes, But God always finds a way.
I had gone home to sleep for an hour or two before I ran back into town to pick up the two older girls from school and Zoe from daycare. Without those naps, I couldn't function. Everything seemed so hopeless. I couldn't do half of what needed to be done. Just holding my arms up to drive was taking all the energy I had. I could see the sadness, fear, and anger in the eyes of my girls. I couldn't change it. I kept trying and trying and nothing changed. Driving down the road, the tears started falling and I started talking to God.
The clouds seemed to open just beyond the upcoming curve. Like a beautiful painting, I could see Him sitting there in His majestic throne. Immense, surrounded by light, regal, holy and with his arms open to me. I saw myself running to him. He gathered me in His arms and brought me onto His lap. Like a grandfather consoling a hurt child, He held me against His chest. All the pain and tears poured out from me and a peace began to replace it. In that moment, I realized how much He loves us. The King and Creator of the Universe opening His arms to console this dirty, whiny child.
I'm well now, Praise Him. But when the days prove harder than I can stand, I look at that curve in the road. I can see that beautiful picture and feel His arms around me. I know then that until He calls me home I can fight through whatever pain may come. I also know that when He calls me home He will have a place for me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
3211
The new picture was taken on a small road that cuts through miles of pasture land and creeks. The road, 3211, has been integral in my life for almost 10 years now.
The first time I drove down the road, I had just run away from my old life with my 3 year old daughter, a Jeep, and very little else. I found myself starting all over-from nothing. Fortunately my dad had allowed me to move in with him. That day we were going to Greenville to find a job.
Since that first trip, I've driven on that road twice a day almost every day. I have seen coyotes running free through new plowed land, giant owls buzzing the car late at night, and all manner of wildlife living and dead. Mornings explode in millions of colors spread across the empty sky. I've lived through hitting a hay bale with van, getting my first speeding ticket, and learning the curves on my first motorcycle. Most importantly, I've learned so much about my Lord on 3211.
I've never lived in one place this long. Four years had been the max before this. Everyday I start my prayers as I turn onto 3211. Some days I can clearly articulate everything I want to say and at the end of the road everyone has been lifted up. Other days I can't make it through one thought. The whole prayer flows back on itself like the curves on the road. Going to work and going home the road provides moments to ponder the mysteries and love of our Lord.
The first time I drove down the road, I had just run away from my old life with my 3 year old daughter, a Jeep, and very little else. I found myself starting all over-from nothing. Fortunately my dad had allowed me to move in with him. That day we were going to Greenville to find a job.
Since that first trip, I've driven on that road twice a day almost every day. I have seen coyotes running free through new plowed land, giant owls buzzing the car late at night, and all manner of wildlife living and dead. Mornings explode in millions of colors spread across the empty sky. I've lived through hitting a hay bale with van, getting my first speeding ticket, and learning the curves on my first motorcycle. Most importantly, I've learned so much about my Lord on 3211.
I've never lived in one place this long. Four years had been the max before this. Everyday I start my prayers as I turn onto 3211. Some days I can clearly articulate everything I want to say and at the end of the road everyone has been lifted up. Other days I can't make it through one thought. The whole prayer flows back on itself like the curves on the road. Going to work and going home the road provides moments to ponder the mysteries and love of our Lord.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Beauty Wraps Itself
Beauty wraps itself gently around the sky on the wisps of clouds. Dawn breaks in a glorious symphony of red that fades to purple. What a sunrise! What a God that would create such spectacular and fleeting mornings! Mornings that sing His praises. How do the rocks sing praise? They sing in their strength. How do the trees proclaim His majesty? Their leaves forming lace against the sky; the brilliance of carbon monoxide becoming oxygen.
All created things proclaim the joy of the Lord. Each piece functioning as it was created to function. The mystery of cell life reflecting the complexity of galaxies.
There is so much more to our God than we can see. I dreamed once that I had a baby. Her head was a giant diamond and each facet held a different face. Even this complicated image cannot begin to describe the facets of our God.
I thank Him that he allows me to serve him. I thank Him that he sent His son so that we can begin to know Him. I thank Him that He orchestrates even the tiniest events in our lives. I thank Him that he is His Glorious self! He is the foundation and completion of all beauty.
All created things proclaim the joy of the Lord. Each piece functioning as it was created to function. The mystery of cell life reflecting the complexity of galaxies.
There is so much more to our God than we can see. I dreamed once that I had a baby. Her head was a giant diamond and each facet held a different face. Even this complicated image cannot begin to describe the facets of our God.
I thank Him that he allows me to serve him. I thank Him that he sent His son so that we can begin to know Him. I thank Him that He orchestrates even the tiniest events in our lives. I thank Him that he is His Glorious self! He is the foundation and completion of all beauty.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Overwhelmed
In the last week I have been exposed to the most amazing, mind stretching teaching I've had in many, many weeks.
I have watched leaders ignite fires inside of other leaders. I have witnessed the formation of two armies. Two great movements ready to take the first step into revolution.
There is a problem though. One of those armies is not headed by God. This group in which I am so honored to be included never once prayed. This group which is leading a charge to change education, to connect teachers and students, to influence our future never once prayed. Sitting in the midst of these good people who have made the transition from success based on themselves to success based on others' success was just almost pure joy. Just almost-
Then, no one took out a Bible. No references were made to grace and mercy and hope. Revolution seemed to be the only hope of salvation and it was based on manipulating differences. No mention was made of love. No one sang praises. And in the middle of almost pure joy, there was a deep emptiness.
Please don't misunderstand-I am thrilled to be in the group. The people involved are brilliant and kind and visionaries. But where we should have discussed God's will, we discussed our will. While we contemplated the impact of technology, questions bounced around my skull with no answers.
How far is the internet from the tower of Babel? How disconnected are we to our children because we spend so much time at the computer? How can we use this paradigm shifting information to let other people know about the love of our Jesus? Are our brains really different because of electronic media? Where do we find the quiet space when our phones are juggling seventeen different communication methods? How, how can we best use all this for the Glory of our God.
I am so blessed and so overwhelmed. I pray that the answers to the questions will come in conversation with the brilliant and kind and visionary Christians I have the privilege of talking to. I can't wait to uncover the wisdom of brothers and sisters around the country and around the world. This is an amazing time to live.
I have watched leaders ignite fires inside of other leaders. I have witnessed the formation of two armies. Two great movements ready to take the first step into revolution.
There is a problem though. One of those armies is not headed by God. This group in which I am so honored to be included never once prayed. This group which is leading a charge to change education, to connect teachers and students, to influence our future never once prayed. Sitting in the midst of these good people who have made the transition from success based on themselves to success based on others' success was just almost pure joy. Just almost-
Then, no one took out a Bible. No references were made to grace and mercy and hope. Revolution seemed to be the only hope of salvation and it was based on manipulating differences. No mention was made of love. No one sang praises. And in the middle of almost pure joy, there was a deep emptiness.
Please don't misunderstand-I am thrilled to be in the group. The people involved are brilliant and kind and visionaries. But where we should have discussed God's will, we discussed our will. While we contemplated the impact of technology, questions bounced around my skull with no answers.
How far is the internet from the tower of Babel? How disconnected are we to our children because we spend so much time at the computer? How can we use this paradigm shifting information to let other people know about the love of our Jesus? Are our brains really different because of electronic media? Where do we find the quiet space when our phones are juggling seventeen different communication methods? How, how can we best use all this for the Glory of our God.
I am so blessed and so overwhelmed. I pray that the answers to the questions will come in conversation with the brilliant and kind and visionary Christians I have the privilege of talking to. I can't wait to uncover the wisdom of brothers and sisters around the country and around the world. This is an amazing time to live.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Believe is an Action Verb
Sometimes the word "believe" seems so trite. How hard is it to believe in Santa or in humanity's ability to be awful? Belief seems easy. Believing looks like a one time giant step into something that will carry you forward without much work. Believing looks like a "be" verb. Be verbs describe a state of being. Believe though is an action verb.
We had spent the day riding from Bikers, Blues, and Barbeque to Tallequah, Ok, with some friends. It was our second time to attend a memorial service held at a small Cherokee Baptist Church. The memorial was in honor of our friend's husband who had been instrumental in leading the pastor to Jesus. After the ride, we retired to hotel rooms with the hardest beds west of Mena. That night God told me to get a big orange flame tattooed on my wrist. I thought "whatever". When we went to the church the next day, I told Michael what God had told me. He said "You aren't getting a tattoo on your wrist." I was content with that answer but somewhere deep inside, I felt that little tug.
Months went by and it became more obvious that it really needed to happen. I talked myself into getting a tiny flame in a slightly different place. A place where I could hide it when I needed to. A series of events occurred and I met up with the artist. I told him what I wanted. Funny thing is, when he drew it, he drew what God had shown me originally. So now, I have this giant orange flame tattooed on my wrist.
Belief requires daily renewal. To believe that the Spirit is real when you're in a chapel filled with other believers singing praise songs is one thing. To believe that the Spirit is real when you're in a conference room filled with school officials in business suits is a little more difficult. Believe is an action verb. Walking out in faith is more than just that first step. Its the steps that follow that can be the most tricky.
Fortunately we serve a God who never leaves us. We have a friend who is also the most high God, creator of the universe. He has sent His Son to save us and the Spirit to sustain us. Believe is an action verb and our Jesus gives us the energy to act on it.
We had spent the day riding from Bikers, Blues, and Barbeque to Tallequah, Ok, with some friends. It was our second time to attend a memorial service held at a small Cherokee Baptist Church. The memorial was in honor of our friend's husband who had been instrumental in leading the pastor to Jesus. After the ride, we retired to hotel rooms with the hardest beds west of Mena. That night God told me to get a big orange flame tattooed on my wrist. I thought "whatever". When we went to the church the next day, I told Michael what God had told me. He said "You aren't getting a tattoo on your wrist." I was content with that answer but somewhere deep inside, I felt that little tug.
Months went by and it became more obvious that it really needed to happen. I talked myself into getting a tiny flame in a slightly different place. A place where I could hide it when I needed to. A series of events occurred and I met up with the artist. I told him what I wanted. Funny thing is, when he drew it, he drew what God had shown me originally. So now, I have this giant orange flame tattooed on my wrist.
Belief requires daily renewal. To believe that the Spirit is real when you're in a chapel filled with other believers singing praise songs is one thing. To believe that the Spirit is real when you're in a conference room filled with school officials in business suits is a little more difficult. Believe is an action verb. Walking out in faith is more than just that first step. Its the steps that follow that can be the most tricky.
Fortunately we serve a God who never leaves us. We have a friend who is also the most high God, creator of the universe. He has sent His Son to save us and the Spirit to sustain us. Believe is an action verb and our Jesus gives us the energy to act on it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Warning:It's not paranoia
Finally, a break. It seems like days since I've had a moment to think and the brain capacity to think profitably. I was sick and now the baby is sick. I've been "off" for over a week now. During this down time, I've watched a bunch of History Channel shows. I like the History Channel. Well, I used to like it. Now it fills me with a lurking sense of unease.
Every show I watched carried an undertone of anti-Christian bias. Some of the shows just jumped out and said that Christianity is responsible for all the evils in the world but most of them just slipped in comments here and there. There is a definite anti-Christian bias in television programming. The shows I've been watching are just more obvious in their portrayal.
At Christmas time a show came on about the creation. The writers artfully presented the Genesis "myth" and then tied it to all the other myths in the region. They then used the commonalities between the Babylonian myths and the Jewish myth to declare that Genesis is an adaptation of Gilgamesh. It is a compelling argument at first.
Today I watched a show about the plague. The anti-Christian sentiment in it was blatant. The writers made sure to describe how the increasing fanaticism of the flagellants led to the murder of many, many Jews. The constant references to "increasing fanaticism" sent chills through me. How long until we are the hunted?
Desperate people act desperately-sacrificing others in a vain attempt to save themselves. Economic uncertainty mixed with moral confusion leads to vilification of a "weaker" subculture. Christians are a subculture and are increasingly at risk.
The only call to action I'm making is a call to awareness. Take a few minutes to look for anti-Christian rhetoric in the shows you're watching on tv. It's there.
Every show I watched carried an undertone of anti-Christian bias. Some of the shows just jumped out and said that Christianity is responsible for all the evils in the world but most of them just slipped in comments here and there. There is a definite anti-Christian bias in television programming. The shows I've been watching are just more obvious in their portrayal.
At Christmas time a show came on about the creation. The writers artfully presented the Genesis "myth" and then tied it to all the other myths in the region. They then used the commonalities between the Babylonian myths and the Jewish myth to declare that Genesis is an adaptation of Gilgamesh. It is a compelling argument at first.
Today I watched a show about the plague. The anti-Christian sentiment in it was blatant. The writers made sure to describe how the increasing fanaticism of the flagellants led to the murder of many, many Jews. The constant references to "increasing fanaticism" sent chills through me. How long until we are the hunted?
Desperate people act desperately-sacrificing others in a vain attempt to save themselves. Economic uncertainty mixed with moral confusion leads to vilification of a "weaker" subculture. Christians are a subculture and are increasingly at risk.
The only call to action I'm making is a call to awareness. Take a few minutes to look for anti-Christian rhetoric in the shows you're watching on tv. It's there.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Like Nail Polish On Earlobes
We all have a job to do. Like Esther, at some point we have to face ourselves in the mirror and say was I made for such a time as this. Granted, most of us aren't going to save an entire race. Most of the time we won't even know the result of our action. Most of the time, we just stumble through praying that when that time we were meant for comes, that we will do what we need to. That isn't the point of nail polish on earlobes though.
Each of us has a job. If we do the job we were created to do all is well. We work and the work is completed. It's when we try to do jobs we have no business doing that we get in trouble. My daughters have always enjoyed painting their nails. They have a rainbow of colors from which they chose. The middle daughter, her favorite is green. Lime green. She had to learn though that nail polish belongs on nails. It doesn't work if you try to wear nail polish where earrings should go. For one thing, your hair gets glued onto your ear by the slick enamel. Another problem is that it either flakes off immediately or stays on for weeks. Then again, the biggest problem may be that you look like a goober when you have a big blob of green nail polish gluing your hair to your ear.
Sometimes its tempting to use nail polish where it doesn't go. Sometimes you forget to look for the job that God wants you to do and you look for the job you want to do. It doesn't work if you are not doing what you are called to do. The Bible warns us over and over that pride causes pain. What could be more arrogant than deciding that you can tell God what you should do? Sometimes the result of that misplaced splash of color last a minute. Sometimes you end up stuck with a big blob of green on your ear for a long time. Whatever the end result, there will be a period of time when you look like a goober.
Nail polish on nails though is a beautiful thing (even if it is lime green).
Each of us has a job. If we do the job we were created to do all is well. We work and the work is completed. It's when we try to do jobs we have no business doing that we get in trouble. My daughters have always enjoyed painting their nails. They have a rainbow of colors from which they chose. The middle daughter, her favorite is green. Lime green. She had to learn though that nail polish belongs on nails. It doesn't work if you try to wear nail polish where earrings should go. For one thing, your hair gets glued onto your ear by the slick enamel. Another problem is that it either flakes off immediately or stays on for weeks. Then again, the biggest problem may be that you look like a goober when you have a big blob of green nail polish gluing your hair to your ear.
Sometimes its tempting to use nail polish where it doesn't go. Sometimes you forget to look for the job that God wants you to do and you look for the job you want to do. It doesn't work if you are not doing what you are called to do. The Bible warns us over and over that pride causes pain. What could be more arrogant than deciding that you can tell God what you should do? Sometimes the result of that misplaced splash of color last a minute. Sometimes you end up stuck with a big blob of green on your ear for a long time. Whatever the end result, there will be a period of time when you look like a goober.
Nail polish on nails though is a beautiful thing (even if it is lime green).
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Glory of the Lord Filled the Tabernacle
There on a dusty mountain top is a building. When you enter the building the first time it is cold and quiet, matching the air outside almost perfectly. Then a friend comes from behind the curtain, arms open, smiling, and a low hum stirs the air. Work begins and the hum grows louder. Soon every inch of the building is occupied by the sweetest spirit that has ever been-even if the people involved don't smell so good.
The glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. It was so intense not even Moses could go in when it settled. There was no way for man to be near that glory. Now through our Jesus we can catch a glimpse of the glory. Our hearts leap in response to the spirit filling the sanctuary. We step outside of ourselves for one brief moment sliced from the space time continuum. Outside of ourselves and into the love of the Father. Wow
This weekend we welcomed in the New Year on that dusty mountain top with 300+ students and a bunch of "grown ups". We experienced the spirit filling the tabernacle. The experience was amazing, life changing, and I pray that we get to be part of it again. A year is a long time to wait but barely time to prepare our hearts and minds for the experience.
The glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. It was so intense not even Moses could go in when it settled. There was no way for man to be near that glory. Now through our Jesus we can catch a glimpse of the glory. Our hearts leap in response to the spirit filling the sanctuary. We step outside of ourselves for one brief moment sliced from the space time continuum. Outside of ourselves and into the love of the Father. Wow
This weekend we welcomed in the New Year on that dusty mountain top with 300+ students and a bunch of "grown ups". We experienced the spirit filling the tabernacle. The experience was amazing, life changing, and I pray that we get to be part of it again. A year is a long time to wait but barely time to prepare our hearts and minds for the experience.